The Left Frontal Lobe

"Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess..."

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 04:12:11 GMT

"...singin' drunken lullabies".

I wish I felt like singing right now, drunken or otherwise. But I don't. The rain is pissing me off. I feel icky and listless all the time. I just got done talking to a friend of mine about something that's been bothering me for a while, and for a change actually feel worse now than I did before we started talking. For all I talk about moving on and forward, it seems the past is a bitch we must all grapple with on a regular basis.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll gather my thoughts enough for a proper post; until then, I leave you with this from Flogging Molly:

I sit in and dwell on faces past
Like memories seem to fade
No colour left but black and white
And soon will all turn grey
But may these shadows rise to walk again
With lessons truly learnt
When the blossom flowers in each our hearts
Shall beat a new found flame

Must it take a life for hateful eyes
To glisten once again
Cause we find ourselves in the same old mess
Singin' drunken lullabies

PS: Check the release date for Drunken Lullabies. Can anyone tell me what's important about that date? (March 19, 2002. Hint: it's more than just my birthday, it's a very specific birthday...)

my autobiography

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 21:43:12 GMT

This is actually a pretty decent survey. It asks questions that haven't been asked a thousand times over. It asks questions that aren't obviously from a kid's point of view (in the last month, ever been caught sneakin out?). This survey might actually give your friends a chance to know you better, so please repost and give your friends that chance!

Your Autobiography:

Part 1: The Birth of You

Were you a planned baby?: yeah, right.... I was the result of two drunken college kids going with a group of friends for camping and visiting every amusement park in PA and Ohio.

Were you the first?: si

Were your parents married when you were born?: yes

What is your birthdate?: March 19, 1984.

Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family?: Odd and fun-loving.

Are your parents married, divorced or seperated? Divorced when I was in kindergarten.

Siblings or an only child?: 4 siblings altogether

If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: Oldest.

What are your siblings names?: Lisa and Steve share the same parents as me, Brian and Brandon (the twins) are the offspring of our dad and Pat (my stepmom)

Which parent do you get along with best?: Probably my mom, just because I know her best.

Do you have step parents?: Yes, Pat is married to my dad. She's pretty cool

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: I don't really have a best friend other than Matt

Who are your good friends?: Matt, Scott, the Doctor, Rob, Nikki, and Paula are who I talk to/hang out with the most.

What do you like to do when you are together? Depends on who we're talking about. Matt and I do typical couple-about-to-move-in-together-and-get-married stuff (fight, argue, make up, go out to dinner, etc). Scott and I gab a lot, because depending on your source, he may or may not be my cuddle-bitch. In groups we tend to watch TV/movies; one-on-one I enjoy going to dinner and walking around. The Doctor and I discuss Doctor Who, the demise of high school students, and life in general. Rob is an odd duck, we usually discuss poetry and or personal philosphy over some sort of beverage (though I haven't seen him much of late). Nikki tends to gab about her family driving her nuts, and Paula's just a wild and crazy chica who'll do pretty much anything and everything.

Do you share the same interests? a lot are the same, a lot are very different. That's what makes it fun!

Which friend can you tell anything to?: Matt, Scott, and Paula.

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: about middle of the road, leaning toward the higher side.

Do you get depressed about things easily?: My emotions are like those kiddie roller coasters- sometimes I'll have really high points, other times very low points. The thing to remember is that no matter where you are, you'll only be there for so long, so don't get too attached to the moment. Keeping that in mind, I don't get depressed very easily anymore (I used to)

Are you happy?: Currently? Yes

Do you live life to the fullest?: I try to.

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comfortable with the way you look?: yup

Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: No.

How do you dress?: depends on how lazy I feel, or what I'm doing. Usually I'll wear long cotton peasant skirts paired with t-shirts

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: I was different, yes

What did you use to love that you no longer do?: play with Legos. I don't get to do that much anymore.

Do you have the same friends?: Not really. I have Nikki still, but that's about it

Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Yes, but it's over now and I' rather not rehash anymore

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To convince Matt to find us a home, go to grad school for history, teach and write books

Are you scared of growing old: no. I can't really picture getting old old, but the thought doesn't frighten me

Do you want to get married?: I'm pretty sure I do.

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: Outdoors!

What is your favorite season: Spring.

Favorite weather? Sunny and warm, but not hot

Do you like walking in the rain?: yes

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegetarian?: Definitely not.

What is your favorite food?: buffalo wings

What food makes you want to gag?: green beans

What is your favorite dessert?: Cheesecake.

What is your favorite restaurant?: Applebees

Are you a fussy eater? Sometimes.

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Taken.

If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: Matt, who is very lucky

Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: emotionally...it's up there, but I think happiness is better. Love is a fickle emotion, bringing both happiness and heartbreak. Physically, a good backrub is the best feeling in the world, with footrubs taking a close second.

Do you believe in love at first sight?: No, love comes with knowing someone, and you can't know someone at first sight.

Answering machine (This has to end, Part 2)

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 01:25:27 GMT

This was sent to me the other day by a teacher friend of mine. I applaud the school district that implemented this because with all the hoopla about schools not living up to the ideals and mandates in Bush's No Child Left Behind laws and schools taking the flack (and lawsuits) from parents who don't bother parenting, something needs to be done:

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!) This is the
message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone
answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy
requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's
absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing
grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the
semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right
staff member, please listen to all the options before making a
selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his
work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was
already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -
Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort - Hang up and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

This has to end... (part 1)

Tue, 30 May 2006 22:33:21 GMT

The following has been going around in MySpace bulletins and various sites on the internet in response to a Nightline segment from a few weeks ago. The article accompanying it can be found at http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1975086&page=1

I agree with the general sentiment of the response statement (though the phrasing is more adult- parents and easily offended persons be warned)

------------------

Anybody happen to catch Nightline last night on ABC? In case you didn't, one of the hot topics discussed was MySpace. It is no secret to anyone who reads the newspaper or watches the 6 o'clock news that MySpace has been in the limelight because of "sexual predators" trying to "abduct and corrupt" the youth of the world. To this I say bullshit! I see dozens of profiles a day showing 14 year old girls dressed like sluts, wearing four inches of make up and 32 layers of eyeliner, displaying their age as 18 years old and profile lines stating "Oh, I'm So Sexy" or "Hey There, Wanna Check Up On It?" Come the fuck on! The youth of today's world are already corrupt enough due to the undying need to be "older" than they really are. I seriously doubt there are tons of people on MySpace stalking "innocent young girls" who just happen to have tramped up profiles and ages 4 years greater than their own.

On Nightline, there was a story of a 12 year old girl who was a drug-addict and attributed it all to MySpace. She claims that MySPace allowed her to easily fing drug dealers in her area, as well as older men to have sex with her. Now, at the age of 14, she has been checked into a drug-rehabilitation clinic and has been away from her family for 5 months. Her parents would rather place the blame squarely on the shoulders of MySpace instead of their daughter, who even admitted that at the age of 12, had already tried weed, crack, X, and had slept with numerous guys older than herself...but of course, it wasn't her fault, it was all because of MySpace.

Once again, COME THE FUCK ON! When are parents and children going to stop passing the blame and grow up enough to take responsibility for their actions and the actions of their children.. Parent;s, monitor your children online, take some responsibility for YOUR children. Children, if a profile name sounds like something that comes out of a cheap horror movie, like "DARK ANGEL OF DEATH WHO EATS THE BRAINS OF GIRLS"...chances are you DO NOT WANT TO ADD THEM AS A FRIEND. Apparently there is new legislation in Congress now to block MySpace in all public schools and public libraries across the United States. All because little girls want to act grown and don't want to accept the consequences and parents don't want to accept the fact that their "innocent little girls" are posing as 18 year old crack whores trying to buy drugs.

Eventually, if this continues, MySpace could be totally outlawed from the Internet. Restrictions will be put in place in order to make MySpace "safer". I don't know about you, but I use MySpace to keep in touch with my family and friends, use it for messages, and just to have a space that is my own. Just because some children want to act grown, does that mean I may have to eventually give up my MySpace? If you feel the same way I do, please, repost this in your blogs or bulletins, or both as "STOP BLAMING MYSPACE". If enough people post this and spread the word, maybe people will get the picture and stop blaming MySpace for every little thing that their children do wrong. As user of MySpace, we should all repost this and take some sort of action. This is not a chain letter, and nothing will happen to you if you don't repost this in 321654987 seconds. However, of all bulletins you will read today, I am sure that this one is the only one that actually has a point to it. So please, have some common sense, and repost this. Thanks

Theory to come, I didn't forget...

Sun, 28 May 2006 20:40:27 GMT

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Acts of Service:		9
Physical Touch:		5
Words of Affirmation:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Grown Up survey

Sun, 21 May 2006 20:31:10 GMT

THE GROWN-UP SURVEY:

Tired of questions by 15 year olds who have never lived in the real world? Here's one for the folks who have actually lived.
FINALLY! The questions about my locker really make me feel old...

1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight?
Reputation damage. It's rare that I get to the point where I actually want to hit someone, but the few times I do I either walk away or have other people walk me away.

2. Most money you ever owed a utility company?
um...the 49.86 I pay every month for my cell phone.

3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar?
I've never been kicked out of a bar. I've been threatened with getting kicked out of Walmart a couple times, and yesterday I almost got us kicked out of the library (by the same librarian who walked by and said absolutely nothing to the Angry Angsty Poets last week, no less!)

4. Longest time you slept in a car?
I don't sleep in cars, best I can do is kinda doze. Lngest I've done that at a clip is probably a little over an hour.

5. Most f***ed up nickname you've ever been given?
Spork

6. Worst job you ever had?
doing telephone health awareness surveys for the Dept. of Health

7. Shortest job you've ever had?
Same (I was good, but I couldn't stand it)

8. Longest romantic relationship?
the ongoing one with Matt (more than 2 years now)

9. Shortest romantic relationship?
before Matt there wasn't really anyone I dated exclusively or steadily, so I'm not sure how to answer this one

10. Food that you would eat until you puked?
pumpkin pie

11. Food that even looking at makes you puke?
the moldy ones in the back of the fridge

12. What music saved your life?
wow, that's a little extreme. "One Last Breath" by Creed. Not so much the music itself that saved me, but the meaning behind it.

13. Person you miss the most in the world?
At this particular moment...Grumpy.

14. Worst movie you've ever seen?
"Jack Frost 2". The first one was so bad it was good, but the second...that's two hours of my life I'd like to have back, thanks.

15. Best movie you've ever seen?
So many good ones...the only one that really come's to mind right now is a Hitchcock film, Rear Window

16. Best restaurant you've taken a date to, or have been taken to?
In my opinion? Applebees. We've been to some more expensive places but I didn't like them as much.

17. Ever almost die?
*nods* A couple times purposefully, a couple times not. Makes you think a bit.

18. Ever fistfight a member of the opposite sex?
no

19. Best place you have ever lived?
here (as in current house).

20. Worst place you have ever lived?
Natrona.

21. Bad habit you have?
I've taken to procrastinating lately

22. Noise that makes you want to punch people?
metal scraping on glass. Even worse than nails on a chalkboard (but not by much)

23. Your favorite tattoo?
I don't have any tattoos. I'd comment on my friends' tattoos, except I haven't seen very many of them (it's like I'll ask about itand they're like "Oh, that" and cover them up. I have about 6 guy friends who do that habitually)

24. Least favorite tattoo?
ugly ones

25. At your poorest, were you a ramen noodle or mac n' cheese aficionado?
mac and cheese. I f***in hate ramen noodles.

26. Most money you have ever spent on a single meal?
for just me? probly around $20, I'm counting drinks with that and I'd had a few...

27. Best gift you ever got?
Matt comes up with some pretty good ones. But honestly...the little drawings he puts on his packages. He wraps everything up with plain paper and doodles little cartoons for me :)

28. Best pet you ever had?
I was going to say Mickey except his breath is making me absolutely sick right now...

29. Ever run from the cops?
nah

30. Money or love?
love. Money can't buy the things that make me happy

still 92% Pennsylvanian

Thu, 18 May 2006 10:33:49 GMT

How much of a Pennsylvanian are you?

you know you're from Pennsylvania if:

1) [X] You refer to Philadelphia as only "Philly."

2) [ X] You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee-ay).

3) [X] The first day of buck and the first day of doe season have always been school holidays in your town.

4) [X] You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

5) [X] At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

6)[X] You know what a "Hex sign" is.

7) [X] You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

8) [X] You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup."

9) [X] Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" actually mean something to you.

10) [X] You eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same? (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

11) [X] You not only heard of Birch Beer, but know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

12) [] You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), Ring Bologna and Hot Bacon Dressing.

13) [X] You know the difference between a cheese steak & pizza steak sandwich, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

14) [X] You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

15) [X] You know Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns. Jen's note: Not to mention Home, Indiana, California, and Apollo, the last of which has a sign at a crossroads 13 miles out of town that says "Apollo 13" and then an arrow pointing the correct direction (no joke)

16) [X] You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is? (At least you vaguely remember.)

17) [X] You identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits?.

18) [X] You ever been in a traffic jam in Lancaster county (Or do you know that a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass an Amish buggy on the highway.)

19) [X] You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

20) [X] You carry jumper cables in your car.

21) [X] You built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were as a kid.

22) [] Your graduating class consisted of mostly TOTAL SPANISH!

23) [X] "Yous guys" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

24) [X]You know how to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Monongahela, and Susquehanna

25) [X] You actually understand these questions and are you sending them on to other Pennsylvanians.

Count all your X's and multiply by 4. Title this % Pennsylvanian

--------
been very busy lately, dear readers. have a bunch of journal entries I'll hopefully get up here today, backdated to when they were originally posted in my other journal, then a brand spankin' new LJ post to let you know what's going on :) Right now, though...it's nap time!

Angry Angsty Poets

Thu, 04 May 2006 03:09:18 GMT

Today was one of those days I really like Clarion (and no, I'm not being sarcastic). Adam didn't get out of class until 4:30, but we have our presentation tomorrow morning so I stayed around so he, Joe and I could prep for the presentation. We decided to meet up on the top floor of the library and take over one of the conference rooms. So around 3 my head was hurting pretty bad and I decided to take a nap for a while (napping outside at the bell tower is quite relaxing) before heading up to the third floor lounge area to await the guys. It was there, on the third floor, where I encountered the Angry Angsty Poets.

I'm assuming these people were English majors. The guy was dressed like a stereotypical angsty beatnik poet: black beret askew on his head, dark roundish sunglasses (even though we were indoors), black turtleneck and pants. The girl (a bit younger) was also in black, with jewelry and makeup that screamed "I want to portray myself as a stereotypical angsty artist!" The AAPs were in the lounge area when I arrived, having a loud conversation I was trying desperately hard not to listen to. For 20 minutes as I busied myself with updating my planner and making to-do lists, I had to hear their overly loud and dramatic bashing of their overly dramatic friends, whom apparently they both hate to be around but love to have angsty poet sex with (as they loudly discussed it for 20 friggin minutes. In the designated "quiet zone" of the library. Jackasses). Then the guy starts irritatedly talking about how he'd love to write about some of these experiences in his poems and short stories, but it was pointless because "people just don't appreciate my work" and "they just aren't on the same intellectual plane as I am" (actual quotes here). The twit girl agreed with him and they started lamenting about no one understanding their talent and blah blah blah. I was trying soooooo damn hard not to laugh.

So since we were in a place that's supposed to be quiet for people to study in, I had my phone set to just vibrate when I got a call so the guys could find me and I wouldn't disturb anybody. Just before the AAPs left, Joe called to find out where I was, and I very quietly told him where to meet me. I was on the phone for maybe half a minute, tops. So as I'm packing my stuff back up, the AAPs are loudly discussing how they've decided to go to dinner and then try to hook up with some other AAP friends (whom they'd been talking about hating for the last 20 minutes), and as they pass me, the guy makes some comment to the girl about how rude people are answering their cell phones in the quiet zone of the library and how they (aka me) should go elsewhere to have phone conversations. As soon as they started down the stairs, I lost my reservations and just burst out laughing (most of the other people had left in disgust over the AAPs' conversation some time before). Adam came in a few seconds after they left, so of course I had to explain why I was laughing. He couldn't believe what assholes people can be sometimes. "That's because you just don't understand or appreciate them," says I, and it was his turn to laugh a bit.

So overall I had a pretty great day, and am in a really good mood, but for whatever reason the AAPs really amused me to no end. I also got a lot of work done for various projects due this week, and got mucho compliments on my outfit today (which always makes me feel good). Lets hope tomorrow goes as well!!!

stuck in my head...

Mon, 01 May 2006 22:04:42 GMT

Staind -- So Far Away Lyrics

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

(chorus)

Mon, 01 May 2006 21:42:44 GMT

I can't really explain this slump I'm in. It's not like there's anything really going on that's making me feel depressed, I just...do. I keep telling people I'm fine, don't worry, but what about when it gets to the point where I'm having a hard time convincing even myself? I just don't feel like doing anything lately. I'm tired constantly, and when I sleep I just keep having these dreams...

I was telling Tony and Rob about my latest one earlier today. It's similar in surroundings to my funeral dream, but in this one I'm not really paying attention to anyone else, just sitting around. I've come to terms with the fact that people aren't hearing me, that I'm dead and there's not really anything that can be done about it. Then my cell phone rings, and I start chatting with the caller (remember, my funeral is taking place), and people keep shhh-ing me. I get angry and tell them "F--- it, you never listened to me when I was alive, why the hell are you sushing me now?" And then I woke up. I thought at first that maybe it meant I just wanted to tell people to screw off, but now I'm wondering if there isn't something deeper.

The other thing that's bthering me is I can't figure out which is worse: my feeling the way I do, or the fact it must be showing to the point where several of my friends are driving me nuts with their concern. I seriously wonder if part of my problem is people convincing me into believing things are worse than they are, and that's why I feel strange. For crying out loud, I stopped in to see Rob and Tony today and left feeling worse than I did when I came in-not that they did anything to make me feel bad, far from it. This has never happened before, ever. And I think that scares me more than anything else.

Mom'll be home shortly from her trip, I'll get to talk to Matt tonight, and Lisa taped Doctor Who for me, so I have things to look forward to. In the mean time, I'm burying myself in the projects I need to get done for this week. Hopefully things will get better soon...

Scott's interview

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 19:28:38 GMT

*Precursory note: This is part of something Scott and Co. started i their journals-- the idea is people come up with five interview questions for their friends to answer, the interviewees post the questions and their responses in their journals and then ask five questions of the former interviewer. It's like the grown up version of those "Would you rather..." games kids play in middle school. Anyway, if anyone has questions for me, post them in the comments section of this post and I'll answer them and come up with questions. Scott, you questions will be in this comment section as well)*

Scott's interview with Jen (Jen's answers in italics)
--------------------------------
Damn! I missed the rumor mill!!!! Now I'll have to settle for giving you these interview questions!!!
lol

1.) What is your dream? (note: I didn't say goal. I want your dreams.)
Many of my dreams are goals in disguise, and I think the opposite works as well. But one in particular, something I'd love to do but never will for reasons that are pretty obvious, is I'd love to just run away and disappear for a while. Just get in the car early one morning and leave everything behind, run away to somewhere I've never been before, see where the road takes me. To me, that's the ultimate adventure: just go to some random place entirely different from anywhere you've been before, to strip yourself of the comfort of familiarity and really experience life. Obviously, this will have to remain a dream, just because people would go totally ballistic and panic if I actually carried through on this. I couldn't do that to the people I care about.

2.) Have you ever had a recurring dream? If so, what did it entail and what possible meaning could it have?
I often have recurring dreams, and recently did a journal post on one. Sometimes they're things that actually happen in waking life later; I get those sorts of dreams a lot. But some are more symbolic: one recurring dream I've had since I was in high school always started out with me sitting with my friend Rob (B) in the front pew of this huge, immaculate church. I mean, this place is like a richly done cathedral- polished hard wood pews, black marble floor, gigantic stained glass windows with sunlight just pouring in. I'm happy about something and chattering away, but he's sitting silently next to me and not responding to a word I say. He's looking sullen at first, then more and more sad until finally tears start coming out of his eyes. I ask him what's wrong, but he just shakes his head and says nothing. I get the feeling he can't even hear me. So I start looking around, I notice other friends sitting solomnly a few pews away, but they don't hear me either. I feel very confused as to why everyone is so sad when I'm so happy. Someone is talking at the pulpit, my high school physics teacher, but I can't make out his words. The smell of flowers is almost overwhelming now, I go to a highly polished mahogany casket and read the brass plate: Jennifer Kalgren, aged 23 years. This is where the dream changes slightly- sometimes the script is curly, and then I wake up. Other times, the letters are in a block-like script, and I turn around to find the whole church filled with ghosts of the already dead before I wake up (they all look solemn, too). It's pretty creepy. Anyway, I like to think that this dream is symbolic of change in my future (marriage maybe? The death of the single Jen as the new Mrs. Jen is born?), rather than a premonition, though the "age 23" thing is weird because I've been having this dream since I was a senior in high school.

3.) Is there something or someone you wish you regretted but don't?
I wish I regretted my actions in regards to two people formerly regarded as friends, because in both cases they involved breaking promises of secrecy and I don't often do that.So I want to regret that, but I don't because in both cases those secrets were about them actively engaging in activities to hurt other people I care about. The question is which would be a bigger break of loyalty: breaking my promises to them, or if I'd have kept those promises knowing that my other friends would be hurt as a result? While I'm not proud of my actions, I still feel I made the right choice, so I don't really have any regrets about my decision.

4.) If Mr. Johnson leaves his house at 2 pm and is driving at 25 mph, and his friend Bill lives 30 miles away, leaves at 3 pm. and is traveling at 35 mph, what time will they pass each other on the street? (I have always been curious how you solve problems like this)
I'm going to make some assumptions here and say that Johnson is traveling toward Bill and Bill traveling toward Johnson on the same road (otherwise they might never meet each other), that the rates of speed are constant, and that we don't have to worry about other traffic considerations like stop signs and the like. The question really deals with what happens in two separate segments of time: How far Johnson gets in the first hour, and then what happens from that time until the two friends meet. Since Johnson is moving 25 miles an hour, at 3 pm he his only 5 miles away from Bill's home (30mi-25mi = 5 mi). Now, as Johnson is moving at 25 mph, that means he's traveling (roughly) .417 miles each minute (25/60 = .417), and by the same idea Bill is traveling .5 miles per minute. At 3:01, then, Bill is .5 miles from his home while Johnson is 25.417 miles from his and there are 5-.5-.417= 4.083 miles between Johnson and Bill. At 3:02, by same idea, there are now 3.166 miles between them; at 3:03, 2.249; at 3:04, 1.332; at 3:05, .415; and finally, at 3:06 they'll pass each other. If you want to be more specific, it would be at about 3:06 and around 27 seconds, since they'd pass each other not quite halfway through the minute.

5.) What are the top five things you want to do before you die?
Wow, the top five? Hmm...in no particular order...I want to travel the world, become a semi-famous writer (i.e. people read my stuff and think and grow from it, but without scrutinizing my every move), become one of the premier historians of my day, hang backstage at a Sister Hazel concert, and learn to play the piano.

Lisa's survey

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 18:00:56 GMT

Subject: Fw: I am curious....

This is fun. Hope I get it back from you.

1. What time is it? 1:28 pm

2. What's your full name? Jennifer Lynn Kalgren

3. What are you most afraid of? Losing my mind

4. What is the most recent movie that you have seen in a theatre? That's a darn good question. I'm pretty sure it was "Serenity"

5. Place of birth? DRMC East

6. Favorite foods? Lasagna, 3-cheese strombolis from Italian Oven, wings with BC dressing, strawberries, watermelon.

7. What's your natural hair color? Chestnut brown with various colors of highlights underneath.

8. Ever been to Alaska? Not yet.

9. Ever been toilet paper rolling? um....I'm thinking this survey was written by someone from a larger city-type environment, and that they meant "toilet-papering" but it got messed up in translation...If my hypothesis is correct, then yes, I have.

10. Love someone so much it made you cry? yes...

11. Been in a car accident? yes....

12. Croutons or bacon bits? yes, in copious amounts (YUM!)

13. Favorite day of the week? Tuesday. I'm not sure why, I've just always loved Tuesdays.

14. Favorite month? May

15. Favorite flower? Daisies

16. Favorite sport to watch? well...in person: hockey (of the local league variety-NHL pisses me off). On TV: football, though I don't really watch much anymore

17. Favorite Drink? Coke

18. Favorite ice cream? vanilla with cookie dough.

19. Disney or Warner Brothers? Disney.

20. Favorite fast food restaurant? Applebees

21. What color is your bedroom carpet? this light brown (kinda like cocoa powder) with different greens and blues running through it.

22. How many times have you failed your driver's test? None.

23 . Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? well....I kinda got this one over a month ago and just haven't had time to respond yet. My most recent e-mail was some spam thing in my school e-mail with the subject "Make her worship you." I didn't bother to read on...

24. What do you do most often when you are bored? read, and poke around on the computer

25. Who will respond to you the quickest? People respond to my posts???

26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? I don't know. I think the only reason people ask is so that the responder can guilt the hell out of the people he/she lists here, and basically says the people listed in the answer to the quickest response have no lives outside of filling out e-mail surveys...

27. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses? I'm curious about everyone's responses, because I love you all equally

28. Favorite TV shows? Doctor Who, and Whose Line Is It Anyway?

29. Ford or Chevy? Volkswagon

30. What are you listening to right now? Counting Crows

31. What are your favorite colors? blues, greens, purples and picks. Some shades of brown.

32. How many tattoos do you have? zero.

33. How many pets do you have? one (Mic the Dingo), plus a conglomeration of fish that I count as one pet (4 goldfish called Moe, Shemp, Larry and Curley, and one algae eater caller Algae Eater)

34. Which came first the chicken or the egg? We've been through this. The question, like that of the possibility of squaring the circle, was posed somewhat ambiguously and the answer is dependent mainly on interpretation of the question. Taken as is, the egg came first, because there were numerous creatures around before chickens that laid eggs (snakes, fish, etc).

35. What would you like to accomplish before you die? See the country I live in. Not just driving around visiting places here and there, I mean really SEE it.

36. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? One, then a journal post before I answer Scott's interview questions

Cleaning out the closet

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 01:45:28 GMT

For whatever reason (probably because I'm bitchy) I decided to quash some more popular rumors about me, so here goes:

1. Despite speculation to the contrary, Matt and I have not broken up and our engagement has not been recinded. I think I'd be a bit more upset if we were.

2. I was extremely amused to hear people's thoughts on the meaning behind my profile song on mySpace (www.myspace.com/jkalgren). You guys have more imagination than I give you credit for. But the truth is, there is no special meaning in my choice (Collective Soul's "December")-- I just like the song. Sorry to disappoint you. (Consolation prize: the song I really wanted to put up was "Hard Candy" by Counting Crows, but I can't find a link anywhere. Go look up the lyrics and see if you can figure it out).

I just don't feel like writing anymore right now. So much to do....

A very good day

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 03:26:32 GMT

Despite lack of sleep...things went very well today. Got a lot done, checked up on my friends to make sure they were all okay and they in turn checked up on me. I enjoy being sociable. Makes me feel less....stressed? Stuck in the past? Pessimistic about the world at large? I'm not sure. I tend to feel calmer and better about life when I can talk about it with other people.

So often we get caught up in the hustle and bustle and problems of the world around us that we forget how beautiful we've made it and still can make it. I firmly believe from the very depths of my being that each and every person who takes a breath on this earth creates a ripple effect that touches every other person on earth forever thereafter, either directly or indirectly. Some of these ripples and their effects are more easily seen than others, but they're there. And my ripples have today pushed me back to where I started so I can understand and appreciate where I'm going.

It's been a very good day. Now it's time for very good dreams.

Math: The Fabric Of Our Lives

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 02:44:27 GMT

Quote of the Day: " 'Calculus'. It is an irony of language that the word 'calculus' now associated with continuous systems comes from the Latin word which means a small pebble of the kind used for doing discrete calculations (same root as 'calcium')." --Stephen Wolfram

And when I started reading, I thought I'd hate this guy's book.....

Speaking of, I'd like to thank all of you who called or wrote to me tonight to see how my paper was going. You impeded my progress more than I could ever have hoped to do myself, which at this moment in time amuses me to no end. In spite of all that, I am almost done with the paper now- have a few more sections to read tonight and then I'll finish up my writing tomorrow (and probably pull an all-nighter to get my programming homework done, but that would happen anyway).

Looking ahead to next semester, Rob says the instructor for the lit class I'm trying to get into is really good. As it's not often for Rob to heap praise on any one instructor, I'm taking this as a good sign and am wanting in the class more than ever (remind me of this when I'm stressing about papers at midterm).

In non-school news, I had a couple of ideas for plays I want to write- one would be a short parody (basically an adaptation of my idea for "Penn State DuBois: The Musical". Since everyone at PSU-D is frikkin leaving, I'm changing the setting to a nursing home and focusing on the employees and residents there. I have this whole scene for a music number with the housekeepers choreographed in my head already) and the other would have to be a full length comedy to encompass my entire vision of the idea it will be based on (which I'm not telling anyone about yet. This will be a piece of real work for me as far as my writing skills are concerned. I've written many short plays and skits before, but never a full-length, multi-act play).

Last but certainly not least....I owe apologies to everyone for my being a major Jenzilla for the past few weeks. I find it somewhat ironic that I was getting upset with someone for spaciness and crabby behavior when everything I was upset with him about were things I was exhibiting as well (and to a much worse degree). I think it speaks volumes about his nature that he was enough of a gentleman not to point that out...so my apologies.

Far Away

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 02:35:52 GMT

So today was just one of my worst days in a while. Apple-flavored alcohol is NOT my friend. I woke up sick and ran late to school because I couldn't find my keys (still can't, had to grab my spare and then make a new housekey after school so I can get in). Forgot I had volunteered to help score math exams for Clarion's annual High School Math competition, so I showed up a half hour late (Dr. Freed said not to worry about it, but I still felt awful). Stats wasn't so bad, and the hour I had between the competition scoring and class I spent re-reading the section under a shady tree and having a little snack (needed to eat but the only "food" I could get other than snacks was that fried fast food stuff, which would have made me hurl :P ) . Still had an awful headache when I went home though. Turned off my phone because I was still not feeling like socializing, and started doing some gardening in the front yard to get rid of my headache (bought some pretty new azalia bushes and re-potted them for my patio when I get it done). Nothing relaxes me like playing in the dirt.

Latest song stuck in my brain-- Nickelback's "Far Away":

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I've loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing, 'cause i'm not leaving you any more
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and never let me go

sleepy with a side order of buzzed

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 02:20:25 GMT

So my friends were all busy again, and I ended up finishing the night drinking by myself. *violin starts playing softly in the background* Got a bunch of work done on my paper today, ended up rewriting a big chunk of it because I didn't lik how it turned out. I like it now. More work on it tomorrow. Bad things: Didn't sleep much last night, so I've been kinda out of it all day. Marianne fell and conked her head this morning, worried about her. Gas prices hiked again today, more of my close friends are moving away this summer, and the new skirt I bought that I absolutely love must be defective because I wore it today and only 2 guys whistled at me *ego plummets*. And I'm worried about Rob, who's probably not happy with me at the moment either, though I don't know that for sure. Hopefully not. Good things: Pete's comments to my earlier post, a fun conversation with Liza and another fun couple of conversations with Paula (including one on my cell phone after I accidentially dropped it in her car as I was getting out!)

Not drunk, only slightly buzzed but the alcohol is enhancing my sleepiness. Probably shouldn't compose blog entries while drinking...

second post for today

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 03:40:40 GMT

"Baby I’m a man and maybe I’m a lonely man
Who’s in the middle of something
That he dosen’t really understand..." ~Paul McCartney
***

I keep having this dream lately: I'm standing in Schoch Plaza, looking toward the corner of Swift building and the path that leads down to Rt 255. It's late spring, because I can feel the warm breeze on my skin and all the flowers and trees are in full bloom. It's raining, but it's that surreal kind of rain where the sky's a kind of golden yellow from the sunlight behind the clouds. I'm staring at something off in the distance, past the buildings and the road and off beyond. I don't see anyone around me. I can hear Rob's voice behind me, but I'm not paying attention to what he's saying-- whatever I'm looking at has me transfixed. I take a deep breath, smell the freshness in the air that only comes in very early morning or right after a thunderstorm, and start swaying to music I hear in the background. This is the one part of the dream that's always different; one time the song was Josh Groban singing "America", another it was Staind, and the latest time (this afternoon) it was Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed." I step back on a patch of grass, feel its coolness under my bare feet as I toss my head back, eyes closed and face up to the sky as the cloud bursts above my head with cool rain. I smile, feel my skirt brushing my legs as I spin slowly at first, then faster and faster with the music, I open my eyes and see Matt as I twirl by laughing....

And then I wake up.

Wonder what it means.

A thought-provoking conversation

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 18:25:59 GMT

I'm a pretty diligent reader of Scott Adams' blog, and enjoy the thought-provoking topics he brings up as well as many of the responses sumitted by readers. Today I felt the need to actually reply to his entry about interpretations of the Quran (http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2006/04/koran_translati.html), as it brought up other things I don't mind discussing but haven't had a forum to discuss them yet. My response was as follows:

"While I can't offer an opinion as to the nature of the Quran (as I've never read it), I can relate an experience I had with a Muslim friend: The summer before the 9/11 attacks, I attended a summer camp in State College, PA run by the Penn State Women in Engineering program. I recall there being around 16 American girls from various parts of the country and another 16 from various countries in Africa (mainly South Africa) and the Middle East. All of us girls were between 16 and 18 years old at the time.

"A few nights after camp started, we all took a bus ride around State College and the Penn State campus so that the girls who didn't know the area could see the beauty of our Pennsylvanian countryside. Most of the girls sat with their friends; for whatever reason I decided to take an empty seat and ended up sitting next to the only Muslim girl attending camp (I remember her being very quiet and reserved the whole time we were at camp). We talked about little things like music and things we liked about our respective countries, but the thing that stands out most in my mind was when she asked if there were any Muslims living in the area. I told her I wasn't sure, that I knew there weren't any in the small town I lived in but surely there must be some in a college town like State College or in the bigger cities. She kind of nodded, was quiet for a few minutes before telling me that America so far was nothing like what she'd been raised to believe, that the night before she'd gone on a walk through town with a few other girls, some of whom were Jewish, and they'd all not only gotten along, but found they enjoyed many of the same things. It was nothing like some of her relatives had said it would be, and she seemed very conflicted about it.

"A few days later, a group of us got into a conversation that eventually turned into a discussion about the similarities and differences between our different religious views; my friend listened thoughtfully to each of us speak (there were various Christians, Catholics, Jews, and a Buddist), but she didn't talk about her own religion except to say that our views were nothing like the violent ideas she'd been told growing up. You can draw your own conclusions from here.

"I guess the real question here is who to believe. Even Christianity has a countless number for factions whose beliefs differ based on interpretations of the Bible; who's to say other belief systems are any different?

"I'll end this by saying I'm very sorry to have lost contact with my friend. I wonder what she'd think of this discussion?"

So my question to you all: what belief system do you follow, and how do you feel about the beliefs of others? Cite examples and give reasons ( I realize this will probably stir up some heated debate. I encourage that, but you can e-mail me if you'd rather not discuss this where others can see).

Go.

click

Mon, 17 Apr 2006 22:24:31 GMT

" To hell with fact-checking," said the habitual blogger of other people's journalistic sins, "I wanna be a star writer for the Weekly World News."

***

I suppose my last journal entry demands a bit of an explanation. Well, screw that. You won't get one here.

At least, not directly.

It's gotten to the point in the semester where I've screamed and cried and torn my hair out and now I can get stuff done. Not just schoolwork, I mean stuff I need to do for me. Writing bad poetry and taking long walks are among the top activities on my list (long random drives are out, simply because I can barely afford the gas back and forth to class every day). Lots of thinking as well, but that's to be expected from me. Time, age, writing, the path my life has taken thus far and has yet to go... for someone like me, who sees meaning in the simplest things, it's just extraordinary how things came together like they did. A very well written story so far, if confusing and somewhat tragic at times.

On the drive back from Ohio today I got to thinking about why it is humans always seem to love a good depressing story. Think about it: who wants to read a story about someone who has everything go right for them? How many news stories do we hear about happy things and how many of those news stories are about bombings, rapes, brutal killings, people losing everything they have in fires or other disasters? Why do we not care abut the hard work our neighbors put into their work or their gardens but everyone wants to talk about what friend came to see them and what they allagedly did during their visit?

And here's what I came up with:

Most people enjoy reveling in others' misery because it makes them feel so much better about their own miserable lives. They enjoy gossip because by making up sins and indescretions for others, it makes their own faults less glaring by comparison. Truth doesn't have the value it once did; juiciness and the misery of others are what people crave today more than anything else. What else is there to do around here? Drink and argue about sewage issues (and one of our dear judges over in Clearfield stole that last fun away, thank God or whatever deity you believe in).

Am I wrong in this?

late night

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 04:29:21 GMT

I tried composing this entry four times already, and just can't find the words for what I want to say....instead, I give you the lyrics to the latest song stuck in my brain that seems very appropriate to what I'm wanting to say:

"Right Here"

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you

Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made along the way
But I always find a way to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep me right here waiting

lessons

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 04:11:19 GMT

Today was (surprisingly) a very productive day as far as school was concerned. In fact, that's mostly what occupied my time...I started painting my car today (I say started because I realize now that I'll have to do it in pieces rather than all at once, simply because of schedule and weather constraints (read: my car will be even more multi-tonal than usual). It's going to be deep metallic purple when it's done. A deep metallic purple '93 Sundance. Hmmm....

I also learned today that I look rather fetching in pink cowboy hats. It had been speculated upon by certain friends of mine for a while now, but today the speculation came to a rest in favor of an affirmative. Huzzah!

Helped Steve with his financial aid stuff and had an interesting conversation with a set of 3-year-old twin girls who are convinced I should live in the back of their van (yeah....).

In other news, got off my lazy butt and decided to write something of my own the other night. The result was a poem, not one of my best but it's something. I also made a list of stuff I want to do this summer:

1. Make a movie,

2. Get a bunch of my reading for fall started so I can take that lit class and not die,

3. Learn Hebrew (something I've wanted to do for a while, I found a basics of Hebrew teaching CD at a bookstore the other day and picked it up, we'll see how it goes),

4. Learn Italian (this may or may not happen, just because I got the CDs last August and still haven't had time to do them. I got them thinking they'd be something I could just listen to in the car, but it turned out you had to listen and follow along in a book; NOT good while driving),

5. Many much camping excursions with Matt,

6. Write more stories

We'll see how it goes.....

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 01:10:41 GMT

Wow, guess I've been neglecting this journal...

*gives journal a hug*

So.... I had a birthday, changed residence, moved into the basement, broke the car, fixed the car, had a bunch of stress, did a bunch of school stuff, felt ill all week (especially today). Head is killing me, so I'll end this here.

up, down, all around...

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 01:02:31 GMT

Busy, busy, busy already this week. I was very productive today AND had structured fun time as well. I want to get a bunch of stuff done ahead of time so I can enjoy my break next week, and so far, things are looking good. I've been mulling some new story ideas around, too, so I might get a few short ones written (yahoo!). I'm also continuing my sorting and packing of belongings in a neat and orderly way (for a change), I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff so far and hope to get a lot more done by the end of the week.

The weather is getting warmer, the sun is shining brighter, and overall my heart is faring much better as well :) I couldn't ask for a better companion than Matt, he really loves and cares about me, and I love and care about him. I surprised him and made dinner Saturday, complete with steak, baked potatoes, sparkling grape juice (we were going out after dinner), and a chocolate layer cake for dessert. There were a few mishaps--I'd never done baked potatoes or used the oven broiler on steak before, so I used an online recipe site for cooking temperatures and times, but they were wrong! So the dinner I'd planned to have done when he got home from work was served a bit later than expected, still tasty though and Matt was very impressed and honored I went through such troubles to surprise him. We went out to Crocker Park afterwards, I picked up a few new books there (BAT BOY LIVES!) and a couple at our favorite used bookshop on the way home (couple of history books and a copy of The Elegant Universe--hopefully I'll get a chance to start reading it before the semester's over!).

My little forum's been quiet, although since mentioning the project to a few like-minded friends they've been finding me lots of little snippets and articles of interest in the news. I'm thinking forum traffic probably won't pick up until classes let out in May...whilst I'm thinking of it, if any of you readers would like to peruse my forum experiment, let me know and I'll send the URL.

a bright, sun-shiny day

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 14:49:25 GMT

The weather is impoving my mood, the laptop and absence of Matt is not. Due to a small catastrophe at work, he ends up having to work all damned weekend which is where he is currently located. Bleh bleh bleh. It's no his fault (and, surprisingly enough, not his boss's fault, either), but it's still frustrating. Not having Matt time is what's been making me feel so distant lately, both literally and emotionally, but what can we do?

Eat ice cream, that's what we'll do.

So my goals for the day are to relax, get some work done for school, and prepare to enjoy my evening with Matt as it'll be the only chance I get to see him for a while (he works open to close tomorrow, so I'll see him for a little bit when he gets up to get ready for work and that's about it).

Grumble, grumble.